Intransit

Sometimes I feel like I’m playing a part in my life—like I’m a spectator watching things pass me by. I think about the future with nothing but a strong sense of hope. I feel like one day I will reach a point where everything I do will make sense. And that state of mind, that point of consciousness, is what I look forward to.

But in the mean time, I’m stuck where I am and where I am is unbearably numb at times.

I feel like I watch the days pass and I watch the mechanics of day to day work and I understand the implications of time as they weigh on me, but I’m helpless in changing them. I watch them pass and I hate how I’ve acted and want to go back and change them, but I’m stuck so far in the past and dealing with regrets that when these things happen again, I simply let them pass and once again I’m disappointing myself and the people I care about.

I think about yesterday and it’s hard to picture how it happened and what the characters looked like.

I worry that this feeling will continue. I think about tomorrow daily. And it’s strange because for the first time in my life I look at tomorrow with very little fear. I always worried that I would end up broke, hungry, and alone. Today I don’t think that’s how it will turn out. But I worry that I will be stuck in this state of numb forever, that I won’t be able to fully enjoy this blessing that I’ve been given [without warrant].

I will always worry that I’m not good enough. That I’m not doing enough. But that fear is slowly starting to give way to something different. After being told repeatedly that I am, in fact, good enough, and that I do enough, what’s holding me back is not coming to terms with the concept that she is not lying to me, it’s fully being able to accept this as fact. My mind always holds me back from accepting that she is not only telling me the truth, but telling herself the truth.

I guess I’ll have to trust her on that.

If I don’t than I’m eventually going to convince her otherwise. Then where do I end up?